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AMERICANS
FOLLOWING
Harry Reid:
WHEEEE!!
Cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings or in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways) to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. The cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado.
Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond, and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President Joe Biden intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired they be given six months' retraining.
Nancy Pelosi is a Saint: On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon and asked if the Cardinal would point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check for a donation of $100,000 if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
Then the Cardinal explained to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church and she tends to flip-flop. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. She is a serial liar, a cheat, a thief and the worst example of a Catholic I've ever witnessed. She married for money and is using it to further her agenda. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative's obligations both in Washington and in California. She simply is not to be trusted." The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Kennedy, Reid and Kerry, Speaker Pelosi is a Saint."
In
A white couple lived on the 4th floor & survived. Jesse Jackson, John Burris & Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to LA, met with the fire chief, on camera, demanding to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims & Hispanics died in the fire but the white couple lived. The fire chief explained, "They were at work."
THREE WISHES BY THE OBAMA FAIRY: A beautiful fairy appeared to a destitute refugee claimant outside an immigration office.
The fairy said, "I've been sent here by our President and told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children."
The man told the fairy, "Where I come from we don't have good teeth so I want new teeth with a lot of gold in them.
PING! -- he had a brand new shiny set of gold teeth!
"What else"? asked the fairy.
"I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family & the rest of my relatives who still live in my country and I want to bring them all over here."
PING ! - In the distance a beautiful mansion appeared with a 3-car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, all overlooking the bay.
"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.
"I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn cloths and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And, I want to be like all other Americans.
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt & a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back. The mansion was gone.
"What happened to my new teeth?" "Where's my new house?"
"Now that you are an like all other Americans, you have to write your Congressperson. I just grant Obama wishes."
And she disappeared......
THE JOKE'S ON US: Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Illinois, one from Tennessee & one from Kentucky.
They all go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor took out a tape measure, does some measuring and works with some figures. 'Well', he says, ' the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew with $100 profit for me.'
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring & figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew with $100 profit for me.'
The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure. He just leans over to the official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official whispers back, 'You didn't even measure! How did you come up with your bid?' The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
A PERFECT EXAMPLE: A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi was also appearing.
Ms. Pelosi asked him a question to put him at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
"Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world. He died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
AN INFORMED CHOICE: While walking down the street one day a US Senator is hit by a truck & dies. His soul arrives in Heaven. He's met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, there is a problem. We rarely see a high official up here so we're not sure what to do with you."
"Can't you just let me in," says the Senator?
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend a day in Hell & one in Heaven. Then you choose where to spend eternity."
"I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator & he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open. He's in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends & politicians. Everyone is happy & in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake hands & reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf & then dine on lobster, caviar and wine. Also present is the Devil, a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing & telling jokes.
Before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell & he leaves. The elevator goes up, up & the door opens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp & singing. They have a good time. Before he realizes it 24 hours have gone by.
St. Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell & one in Heaven, now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute & answers: "Heaven has been delightful but I prefer Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator & he goes to Hell. The doors open. He sees a barren land scattered with garbage. There are all his friends dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...........
The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday there was a golf course & clubhouse. We ate lobster, caviar, drank champagne, danced & had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland of garbage, my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The Devil smiles & says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain Actual photo of license plate on back of Septic Tank truck: POO PMPR with this sign painted on the back: Vehicle May Be Transporting Political Promises.
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