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 AMERICANS

FOLLOWING

PELOSI:

WHEEEE!!

                                                Cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence                                   openings or in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to                                              highways (sometimes across highways) to prevent cattle                                              from crossing over that area. The cattle will not step on                                               the "guards," probably because they fear getting their                                              feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. 

Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond, and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President Joe Biden intervened with a request that before any cattle guards were fired they be given six months' retraining.

 

The One Question Test: By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give careful consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION: You are in Miami, Florida. There's chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist for a major newspaper. You're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses & people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST: You see a man and a woman in the water fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Harry Reid & Nancy Pelosi!!  You can see that the raging waters are about to take them under. There  are two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.

THE QUESTION, (and please give an honest answer): Would you select high contrast color film or would you go with the classic simplicity of black & white?

Nancy Pelosi is now a Saint: On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon and asked if the Cardinal would point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."  Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check for a donation of $100,000 if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
Then the Cardinal explained to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church and she tends to flip-flop.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit.  She is a serial liar, a cheat, a thief and the worst example of a Catholic I've ever witnessed. She married for money and is using it to further her agenda.  She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative's obligations both in Washington and in California. She simply is not to be trusted." The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Kennedy, Reid and Kerry, Speaker Pelosi is a Saint."

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT, A REPUBLICAN OR A REDNECK?  Here's a test to help you decide by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife & two small children. An Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP. You are an expert shot. You have seconds to spare before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Can we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I swing the gun like a club, knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have a safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun, anyway, & what kind of message does this send to society & my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me? If I grab his knees & hold on, could my family get away while he's stabbing me? Should I call 911? Why is this street deserted?  We need to raise taxes, have a paint & weed day making a happier, healthier street that discourages such behavior. I should debate this with friends for few days, get a consensus..

Republican's Answer: BANG!

Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  Click!..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points? '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'  Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!!’

In South LA, a 4 plex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of 6 con artists lived on the 1st floor and died in the fire. On the 2nd floor, An Islamic group of 7 welfare cheats, Kenyan illegals, perished in the fire. Six Hispanic Gang Banger ex-cons on the 3rd floor died.
A white couple lived on the 4th floor & survived. Jesse Jackson, John Burris & Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to LA, met with the fire chief, on camera, demanding to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims & Hispanics died in the fire but the white couple lived. The fire chief explained,  "They were at work."

THREE WISHES BY THE OBAMA FAIRY: A beautiful fairy appeared to a destitute refugee claimant outside an immigration office. "The fairy said, "I've been sent here by our President and told to grant you three wishes since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children."  The man told the fairy, "Where I come from we don't have good teeth so I want new teeth with a lot of gold in them. PING! -- he had a brand new shiny set of gold teeth! "What else"? asked the fairy. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family & the rest of my relatives who still live in my country and I want to bring them all over here."  PING ! - In the distance a beautiful mansion appeared with a 3-car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, all overlooking the bay.  "One more wish,"  said the fairy, waving her wand.  "I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn cloths and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And, I want to be like all other Americans.. PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt & a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back. The mansion was gone. "What happened to my new teeth?" "Where's my new house?" "Now that you are an like all other Americans, you have to write your Congressperson. I just grant Obama wishes." And she disappeared......

A LITTLE KNOWN FACT. On July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claimed a UFO with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch near Roswell, New Mexico. This incident was covered up by the U.S. Air Force & other federal agencies. What you may not know is that during the month of April 1948 (9 months later) the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William J. Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; Barbara Boxer and Harry Reid.  See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? I hope this clears up things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support illegal aliens!  >>I'm not convinced that it's a joke. Chuck.  >>I figured it must be a joke. Couldn't possibly be true, could it?  Lew

"SNL" did a "Bailout" skit, which has created some rather awkward problems for NBC. They spiked the video and tried to shut it down on the Internet. But, aha, there's still some sites that have it.  Very funny. Worth watching!
>> msunderestimated.com/SNLBailoutSkit.wmv
(Copy and paste the link.)

POLITICS FOR DUMMIES  You have two cows:
DEMOCRAT: Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.  REPUBLICAN: Your neighbor has none. So?  SOCIALIST: The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.  COMMUNIST: The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALIST: You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.  BUREAUCRAT: Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, then pour the milk down the drain.  AMERICAN CORP: You sell one, lease it back to yourself & do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force 2 cows to produce the milk of 4. When one cow drops dead you spin an announcement to the analysts stating you've downsized & reduced expenses. Your stock goes up.  FRENCH CORP: You strike because you want 3 cows. You go to lunch & drink wine. Life is good.  JAPANESE CORP: You redesign them. They are 1/10th the size of an ordinary cow & produce 20 times the milk. They learn to travel on crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.  GERMAN CORP: You engineer them so they are blond, drink lots of beer & give excellent quality milk. They demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.  ITALIAN CORP: You don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.  RUSSIAN CORP: You have some vodka. You count them & learn you have 5 cows. You have more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up & takes however many cows you have.  TALIBAN CORP: They live & die in a cave.  AL QUAIDA CORP: They are in hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.  POLISH CORP: You have 2 bulls. Employees are regularly maimed & killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORP: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks it’s French, other times it’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORP: You have a black cow & a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown cow best accidentally vote for the black cow. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which cow you think is the best-looking. CALIFORNIA CORP: You have millions of cows that make real cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with big udders.

THE JOKE'S ON US:  Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.  One is from Illinois, one from Tennessee & one from Kentucky. They all go with a government official to examine the fence. The Tennessee contractor took out a tape measure, does some measuring and works with some figures.  'Well',  he says,  ' the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew with $100 profit for me.' The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring & figuring, then says,  'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew with $100 profit for me.' The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure. He just leans over to the official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official whispers back, 'You didn't even measure! How did you come up with your bid?' The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'      'Done!' replies the government official.

A PERFECT EXAMPLE: A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi was also appearing. Ms. Pelosi asked him a question to put him at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in someone who appears completely normal?'  'Nothing is easier,' he replied.  'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'  'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi. "Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world. He died during one of them.  Which one?'' Pelosi thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?  I must confess I don't know much about history.'

AN INFORMED CHOICE: While walking down the street one day a US Senator is hit by a truck & dies. His soul arrives in Heaven. He's met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, there is a problem. We rarely see a high official up here so we're not sure what to do with you." "Can't you just let me in," says the Senator? "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend a day in Hell & one in Heaven. Then you choose where to spend eternity." "I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator & he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open. He's in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse. Standing in front of it are all his friends & politicians. Everyone is happy & in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake hands & reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf & then dine on lobster, caviar and wine. Also present is the Devil,  a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing & telling jokes. Before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell & he leaves. The elevator goes up, up & the door opens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." The Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp & singing. They have a good time. Before he realizes it 24 hours have gone by. St. Peter returns. "Well, you've spent a day in Hell & one in Heaven, now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute & answers: "Heaven has been delightful but  I prefer Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator & he goes to Hell. The doors open. He sees a barren land scattered with garbage. There are all his friends dressed in rags, picking up trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...........The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday there was a golf course & clubhouse. We ate lobster, caviar, drank champagne, danced & had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland of garbage, my friends look miserable. What happened?" The Devil smiles & says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted." 

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain                                                                                           Actual photo of license plate on back of Septic Tank truck: POO PMPR with this sign painted on the back: Vehicle May Be Transporting Political Promises.

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